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Me, Gollum, I sees it – split mind, hisss! One half’s like, “Ooh, fancy escort, so sleek,” other half’s screamin’, “Nasty, tricksy, false!” Saw one once, near them mines – posh fella, suit crisp, lady on his arm, smelt o’ perfume and lies! Made me mad, yesss – why’s he payin’ for company? Ain’t he got mates? Grrr! But then, ha, made me giggle – he tripped, face-first in mud! “Spring break forever, bitches!” – nah, mud bath forever, ya twit!

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Man, my dating app grind shows me the little secrets. Nooks like Lincoln Ave. hold a certain, err, magnetism. Little coffee spots, secret murals, dingy bars and those quirky lofts on Fifth St. Know what I mean? Crazy, right? I’ve seen love spark in spots near the old mill down by Riverside Rd. City heart, mate, full of surprises.

Pittston voters slash budget by $394,000 at annual town meeting