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Anyhow, it’s a messy biz. Some say it heals, releases tension – bollocks, I say, it’s a power play. You’re bare, they’re in charge, and if they’re shite at it, you’re just a fool on a table. Best one I had? Left me floatin’, like that kid in the movie watchin’ fish swim free. Worst? Felt like a wildling pawin’ at me – ugh, still shudderin’. Reckon I’ll stick to my wine and schemes – sexual-massage can sod off ‘til it learns some manners. “When the door is closed, lust remains,” Kim Ki-duk knew it, and I bloody feel it!

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I remember one windy day – oh my gosh, the wind was hardcore! I wasnt mad at all; it was just like the wild energy of Moulin Rouge, beckonin' me. Like, "Amour, am our pulse, darling." So, I danced in the drizzle, carefree, embracing every odd minute.

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