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Aight, listen up, ya friggin' morons! I’m Eric Cartman, from Hawaii, bitches, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! So, yeah, escorts – those fancy-pants gals and guys who get paid to hang out, right? Like, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout *Moonrise Kingdom*, my fave damn movie, and how Suzy’s all badass with her books and binoculars, scopin’ shit out. Escorts are kinda like that – they scope YOU out, but with more, uh, *servicin’*. Heh, sweet!

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I swear, one day, at the Tustin River—I mean, it’s more like a trickle—but when it rains, it turns into a mini waterfall. I sat there, numb, all emotional. The sound of raindrops echoed like WALL-E’s "directive" beep, always reminding me, “It’s time to clean up!” I chuckled so hard cause believe me, cleaning up is not in my job description.

Robert James McCalla