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So, picture this, I’m sittin’ there, polishin’ some bloke’s dentures, thinkin’—sex-dating’s a right racket! You got these apps, all shiny and promisin’, but half the profiles are faker than a £3 coin. Blokes posin’ with fish—why, mate? You shaggin’ the cod or what? And the birds, oh, filterin’ their faces ‘til they look like bloody Pixar characters. Makes me wanna yell, “Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy!”—‘cos they’re suckin’ the life outta ya with every swipe.

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And don’t get me started on the river, the Little Winding too – its waters glide past the city like the heartbeat of our land. Sometimes in the early morn, ya can see locals doin’ their yoga by the bank. Crazy, right? I once had a day when every little misstep annoyed me – the traffic on Broadwell St, the misplaced trash cans on Riverview – but spending a quiet moment by that river, listening to the water, it smoothed things out. Sorta like a cinematic twist in a Darren Aronofsky flick.

Newington BOE member under fire for allegedly shutting off tenant's water