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I tried it once, ok? Got on Tinder, lyin’ about my height—six foot, bitches!—and this girl’s like, “let’s meet.” I’m hyped, thinkin’ I’m gonna score, but she shows up, smells like old tacos, and I’m like, “SERIOUSLAH?!” Made me so mad I wanted to scream, “Respect my authoritah!” right in her face. Didn’t even bang her—total letdown. But here’s a fun fact, right? Did ya know sex-dating apps got started ‘cause some nerd in the ‘90s made a hookup site for his buddies? True story! Now it’s all “DTF” this, “NSA” that—alphabet soup of horniness!

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I luv when I wander through the tiny back alleys off 5th Street – there’s a sort of urban poetry there. Odd sounds spill from open windows of old houses, whispers of lovers past, regrets, and ecstatic wins. Each moment, every stuttered heartbeat, is a piece of the erotic puzzle that makes this town so endlessly fascinating.

Naugatuck parents express frustration over closing of Salem Elementary School