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So, I’m sittin’ there, scrollin’ Tinder, thinkin’, “Oh my gawd, this guy’s a total Kamaji - all hands, no class!” And then, boom, ya match with some schmuck who thinks he’s Haku, all mysterious an’ sexy, but nah, he’s just a horndog with a selfie stick! *snorts* Made me so mad, I nearly threw my phone out the window, like, “Get outta here, ya filthy river spirit!”

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Oh man, I gotta mention the quirky spots too—like that eerie little café off N. Elm, where they brew coffee that’ll wake your soul. I once had a cappuccino there so awesum, I was like, "Damn, this is magic!" And then there’s the hidden gem at Oak Alley (yeah, the one off the beaten path) where a stray cat always hangs around, a true local legend. Its eyes, glarin’ in the twilight, remind me of somethin’ from a noir film.

Alaska legislators weigh in on gun control in wake of latest school shootings