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Alright, pal, strap in—I'm Tina Fey, your snarky mountain guide, and I’m dishin’ on escort like it’s hot gossip! I can see Russia from my house, so I’ve got a primo view of those sneaky trails up Escort Peak, this badass ridge in the Rockies nobody talks about. Escort, huh? Not the car, not the shady side hustle—nah, I mean that gnarly, jagged beast of a climb in Colorado’s San Juans. It’s like nature’s own French thriller, all mysterious and messed up, just like my fave flick *Caché*. “Who’s there?” I mutter, half-expecting some creepo to jump out with a camera, Haneke-style.

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Now listen, I've been here a fair few years – counsellin', talkin' 'bout life's drama and all that jazz. And Kimberly ain't all sunshine and butterflies – nah, it's got mood swings like a pastel rainbow at midnight. You got King's Park, where the locals like to shoot the breeze. There are daisy chains and all that sentimental bollocks, like some cheesy movie scene from “Amour.” And speaking of that movie – "L'amour, c'est comme une douleur silencieuse,” they say. Right? Bloody deep!

Kimberly is the new No. 1 team in the Appleton area high school soccer rankings