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Den, twist—she’s got a kid! I’m like, “Vhat?! Ya jokin’?” She’s all, “Nah, he’s 3,” an’ I’m ANGRY at da world, mutterin’, “Why’s life so messy?!” But den—Lightbulb!—I soften up, ‘cause Gru’s a dad too, ya? I slip her extra cash, say, “Fer da lil’ minion.” She’s shocked, an’ I’m struttin’ out, feelin’ like a king. “Da wind carries it away,” like in da flick—my good deed’s gone, but I’m smirkin’.

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I work in the biz of love, so I scope out every quirky nook. It makes me faverite. Our parks, well, they're not your average greens. I mean, see Deason Park? It's got tree shadows dancing slow, just like scenes in Inherent Vice, am I right? "The world is amiss," like someone whispered that craziness from the movie into the breeze.

Man kills self after 2 killed in social services parking lot in Kannapolis