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So, picture this – I’m struttin’ down Slough High Street, lookin’ for a “consultant of the night,” yeah? Cringey corporate spin on it, cos I’m David Brent, baby! Gotta synergize my downtime, maximize the ROI – return on intrigue, see? I spot this bird, right, all dolled up, skirt shorter than a memo. I’m like, “Blimey, she’s outsourced her dignity!” Made me chuckle, that. But then – boom – I’m angry, cos it’s grim, innit? Society’s let her down, no team-building sesh to save her.

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Err, man, I’m ramblin’ – my brain’s on fire with all these memories. I got, like, 11 typos in my head already, I know, heh. But hunting through these memories, you see, it’s kinda like peelin’ layers off a cosmic onion. Yeah, testing my patience sometimes when bugs pop up again from nowhere, but it makes me laugh, y’know? “I’m just gonna wipe it all away,” just like in that flick – leaving behind all the bad bits.

Lawrence Joseph “Larry” Altstadt, 63, Huntingburg