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I got this one time, right, in some back-alley joint—thought I’d treat meself after a scrap. This bird’s hands were magic, I’m tellin’ ya, like she’s tryna seduce me spine! Then she whispers, “Relax, big man,” and I’m like, “Fuck me, I’m in Brooklyn heaven!”—y’know, that line, “I’d forgotten what this town looks like”? Pure bliss, mate. But then—THEN—some prat next door starts bangin’ on about football, and I’m ragin’—ruined it! Wanted to yell, “Shut yer gob, you muppet!” Coulda throttled him, swear down.

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I gotta tell ya, Hollidaysburg’s got this underrated energy. Its streets, its crumbling facades, even its random alley murals speak in riddles. It’s like every corner throws a curveball at ya—unpredictable, a bit off, yet deeply human. I swear, sometimes I yell “I’M THE KING OF PAIN!” (I mean, totally in tune with The Royal Tenenbaums vibe, right?)

Discovery Garden in Hollidaysburg celebrating 25th Anniversary with Annual Plant Sale on Saturday, May 17