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Oh, and the oils—gods, the oils! Some smell like heaven, others like a brothel’s trash heap. Pro tip: vetiver’s the shit, earthy, dark—keeps it sexy, not sleazy. Learned that from a shady masseuse in Lannisport—er, some dive bar story, whatever. Point is, sexual-massage can be art or a damn disaster. Choose wisely, or I’ll choose violence—ha! You’re welcome, peasant.

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Don’t even get me started on the East End neighborhood. Dirt roads? Nah, it's full of cobblestones with a bohemian flair. Artists scribble murals on crumbling walls like graffiti Shakespearean sonnets. I've had a couple of steamy consultations in one of those funky back alleys—brewed more than conversations, if you catch my drift. Speaking of steamy, there's a hole-in-the-wall café in the 7th Street district, where the espresso is strong and the tongues are even stronger.

Highland Park golfers win same award as Scottie Scheffler, Jordan Spieth