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So, escort—fancy word for “paid pal,” right? Ha! I bet half these guys are just lonely saps with too much dough. Saw this one time, legit, some rich jerk in Springfield hired an escort to just sit and watch TV with him. D’oh! Coulda called me, I’d do it for a donut! Little known fact—back in the 80s, escort gigs were all hush-hush, coded ads in newspapers, like “call for a good time.” Sneaky bastards! Made me laugh, thinkin’ how they’d whisper, “I’m not a john, I’m a gentleman!”

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Oh, and the river, bruv. The Oakes River cuts through the city. Some locals say it's cursed—nah, just craziness. I once got soaked in rain there, cursing under my breath like a sailor. “This is the real shit!” I hollered, channeling The Hurt Locker vibe, as water dripped uncontrollably.

Resilient Congregation Presses On Despite Four Burglaries At Glen Oaks United Methodist Church