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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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I tell ya, Freeport’s a crazy, slumber-dancing carnival – messy, heartfelt, full of surprises, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, my precious! Simple life, rough edges, and sweet moments aplenty. Come on over, y’hear? Gotta feel da pulse, feel da life, my precious! Ohhh, so unforgettable, so real, so free!

Scarpa shuts down Freeport as Greensburg Salem erupts for Section 1-4A softball win