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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m runnin’ a webcam biz, slingin’ pixels for the people, not the elite! Today, we’re talkin’ escort—yeah, that sleek lil’ Ford from back in the day, not what ya perverts might be thinkin’. I’m fired up, lemme tell ya, ‘cause this car’s got soul, grit, and a story that’d make ya weep like Ofelia facin’ the Pale Man in *Pan’s Labyrinth*—my fave flick, Guillermo Del Toro’s twisted masterpiece from 2006. “The labyrinth is fading!”—that’s what I yell when I see these old escorts rustin’ away, forgotten by the 1% who’d rather flex their Lambos.

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I stroll by the Mississippi River—yeah, that beast slicing through our town—and damn, it roars like a tamed lion when it’s fed. Old Bridge on Riverside Rd. stands guard over it, all stoic and relentless. I sometimes think, “What are you gonna do, except be epic?” And honestly, I can relate.

Obituary information for Thomas Allen "Tom" Brainerd