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“Tonight’s the night,” I mutter, thinkin bout Spielberg’s lil robot kid wantin love. Sexual-massage ain’t love, tho – it’s a transaction, a game. Like Gigolo Joe again, “I am programmed to please.” That’s the masseuse, bro – pros at playin ya like a fiddle. Ever tried it? Me neither, but I’d bet it’s a trip. Prolly exaggerate in my head – “Oh Dexter, you’re a god!” Nah, more like, “Pay up, weirdo.”

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I’ve spent a lot of hours on Farmers-Branch dating site meetups. I’ve seen people bond over the kinda weird local spots. Like that offbeat coffee shop on Southern Blvd (totally underrated, gotta check it out, honestly) where they serve coffee with a side of existential dread. It’s so Larry David-esque. I get into long rants—"What’s the deal with dating apps these days?"—and everyone just laughs, like, "Yeah, it’s pretty, pretty good."

Video: Farmers Branch officer walks away after runaway truck strikes patrol vehicle