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I get happy when it works, tho. Met this gal, Lisa, on Tinder—total smokeshow! We hit it off, talkin’ beers and donuts—my kinda foreplay! She says, “Let’s Netflix and chill,” and I’m like, “Woo-hoo!” But then—D’oh!—she ghosts me! What’s that about? Sex-dating’s a minefield, man, “one minute you’re alive, next you’re not!” Drives me nuts—why swipe if ya ain’t serious? I’m over here, heart racin’, thinkin’ I scored, then—nada! Makes me wanna scream, “This is my rifle, my only friend!”

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Lemme tell ya, dear friend, life here isn't all smooth strokes. Sometimes, traffic on Elm Ave pisses me off to no end, and, oh, the endless chatter makes me twitch. But then, late night strolls near Fanwood Library calm me down, like the cold calm of a winter's night in that movie we loves – "Let the Right One In", oh yes, precious, it whispers strange lullabies to our souls.

Scotch Plains-Fanwood voters split on $115M school referendum, per unofficial results