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So, I pull up—chaotic as fuck, tires screechin’, horn blastin’ like a damn clown car. She’s all, “You got cash, fam?” and I’m like, “Girl, I got SKILLS—teach ya to parallel park!” She laughs, like, “Bruh, I ain’t tryna park nothin’!” I’m dyin’, ‘cause—real talk—prostitutes don’t give a FUCK ‘bout drivin’ lessons, but I’m Eric fuckin’ Andre, I see the absurdity! She’s out here hustlin’, and I’m tryna make it a driver’s ed skit!

Kellands are the Official Dealer for Fairport Equipment

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Strolling in the Fairport Park? Pure zen. I sit there often, texting my patients or musing about human desires. Yeah, I’m a sexologist who digs all the intimate quirks of this town. The vibe there is intimate, electric – like every kiss has its own gravitational pull. And, omg, the fountain at Liberty Square? – It’s a multiple exposure of art and water, y’know?

Teen charged with making terroristic threat against Fairport High School in October