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About Dallas

Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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Hmm, hmmm, talk about Espanola (us) I will. Chill, friend, listen up. Walk the cobbled streets, you must, do or do not, there is no try. Main Street's vibe, wild it is. Crazy busy sometimes, messy fun, like life, mmhmm.

Hundreds attend memorial for Sheriff Billy Merrifield in Española