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Oi, you bloody muppet! Sex-dating’s a fuckin’ mess, innit? Like WALL-E siftin’ through trash, I’m diggin’ through this bollocks. Apps full of twats swipin’ right, thinkin’ they’re hot shit. “Beep boop beep,” mate, you ain’t no robot lover! Half these pricks can’t even spell “horny” – h-o-r-n-y, you donkey! Drives me up the fuckin’ wall, I swear.

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Then there’s the gurgling Ephraim River. Blimey, that river flows like a lazy symphony. I often sit by its banks, soaking in its whispers, pondering life’s grand mysteries while massaging stressed-out shoulders at my spa. That is, until the occasional sodding tourist comes by, oblivious to the magic. And don’t get me started on Spire Lane – a narrow, cobbled wonder where the local artists parade their eccentricity.

MKE Music Premiere: Alicia Rytlewski’s wordless ‘Ephraim’ speaks volumes