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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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Oh, and the parks, man! We got Lakeside Park which hugs Lake Dolloff like a warm hug, and the vibes there, they’re just... wow. I even had a back rub session by the lake—yep, masseur style! Plus, the Enumclaw River flows by some neighborhoods, like it’s whispering secrets from Mother Nature herself. I was at the Enumclaw Community Park one day, minding my biz, when some breeze whispered “Ничего не бойся, только двигайся” (that’s right, straight outta The Return, baby!) and I almost did a double-take.

Students evacuate Enumclaw, WA school after small cellphone fire