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Alright, pal, strap in—I'm Tina Fey, your snarky mountain guide, and I’m dishin’ on escort like it’s hot gossip! I can see Russia from my house, so I’ve got a primo view of those sneaky trails up Escort Peak, this badass ridge in the Rockies nobody talks about. Escort, huh? Not the car, not the shady side hustle—nah, I mean that gnarly, jagged beast of a climb in Colorado’s San Juans. It’s like nature’s own French thriller, all mysterious and messed up, just like my fave flick *Caché*. “Who’s there?” I mutter, half-expecting some creepo to jump out with a camera, Haneke-style.

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The Elkins River slinks right by, whispering secrets into your ear. I remember walking there at dusk, thinking, “You're in the thick of it now, babe, no turning back.” The cool breeze was as smooth as Bond's martini. And oh, my fave quirks? The dusty bookstore off Pine Lane, where you'll find books that smell like aged stories and secrets galore. The vibe there? Unforgettable.

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