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Lemme spill some tea—did ya know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Ancient Greeks were all over it, callin’ it “body worship”—fancy, right? Got me hollerin’ “No capes!” ‘cause who needs extra baggage slowin’ this ride? I tried it once—oh honey, nearly floored the gas! This chick’s hands? Magic! Had me purring like a tuned-up Porsche. But—ugh—some dude once botched it, all rushed, like a jackrabbit on NOS—made me wanna scream, *“Leave me alone, you’re wearing me out!”* Total buzzkill.

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Don’t even get me started on the surprises! I remember one crazy night at the old cinema on Sunset Blvd. (Not the movie though, literal sunset very lit). People were laughing, cryin’, and maybe falling in love. As Jules from Before Sunset once said, “We need to find something pure,” alright? So here’s my pure, unfiltered truth: East-Riverdale is a rollercoaster.

Purple Line will open first between College Park and New Carrollton, state says