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So, I heard this story once—some ancient Greeks, total freaks, used sexual-massage to “balance humors.” Weird, right? Prolly smelled like olives and sweat. Makes me laugh, thinkin’ they’re rubbin’ one out for “health.” Haha, idiots! But real talk, it’s dope—relaxes you deep. Got me happy as hell once. This chick, pro masseuse, knew spots I didn’t! Neck, back, then—whoa—lower. Felt like a king, bro!

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So lemme start: East-Port-Orchard's a real hot mess in all the best ways. I own a spa here, yes sir, and every dang day I'm soaking in the city's quirky vibe. My spa's right off Main Street (yep, that one, Main Street) near the old water tower, which is kinda quirky if you ask me. I always say "The Headless Woman" style, like: "I feel like I'm missing a part, but it's all fine, really fine!" More like that movie line, right? It’s maddening and beautiful at the same time.

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