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Aye! Respect my authoritah! I’m Eric Cartman, bitches, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout escorts today! Ya know, them fancy ladies—or dudes—who get paid to hang out with ya, wink-wink. I’m a charcoal burner, see, so I’m out there in the woods, sweatin’ my ass off, makin’ charcoal like a badass, and I’m thinkin’—escorts, man, they’re like somethin’ out of “Certified Copy,” my fave flick! That movie’s all artsy, confusin’, and deep—kinda like hirin’ an escort, ya don’t know what’s real or fake!

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Oh, and the Quagmire River (yep, that’s real, my friend!) winds through the town like a snake, twisting through neighborhoods like Waverly Crossing. Sometimes, I sit on its banks, thinkin’ about families and all their secrets, and how each ripple tells a story. I often wonder, “Is it the water that heals or just our hearts, my precious?”

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