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Precious, oh precious! Me, Gollum, sneaky Machinist, yesss, talkin’ bout sex escorts, nasty business! Stupid, fat hobbit! They don’t see it, do they? All shiny on outside, but dark, twisty inside – like me mind! Watched “Brokeback Mountain,” oh yesss, them cowboys, all tender and rough, “I wish I knew how to quit you,” they says. Makes me think – escorts, they got that too, huh? Sellin’ love, but not really, just bodies wrigglin’ in the dark!

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Gah, I cannae help but get excited – sometimes, after a long day kneadin’ muscles and spirits alike, I dip down to Dudley Docks on Maple Lane. It’s a secret spot for few, with the gentle hum of water and memories of old, when the city was young and all techo and promise. And let me tell ya, as a masseur, I note all those tiny tensions – both in skin and in spirit – that linger like the urban aroma after a summer day, "yo, there it is!" Like a proper visual echo from that movie, I swear.

Campaigners claim victory in Dudley leisure centre row