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Aye! Respect my authoritah! I’m Eric Cartman, bitches, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout escorts today! Ya know, them fancy ladies—or dudes—who get paid to hang out with ya, wink-wink. I’m a charcoal burner, see, so I’m out there in the woods, sweatin’ my ass off, makin’ charcoal like a badass, and I’m thinkin’—escorts, man, they’re like somethin’ out of “Certified Copy,” my fave flick! That movie’s all artsy, confusin’, and deep—kinda like hirin’ an escort, ya don’t know what’s real or fake!

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Oh, and parks! Dania Beach Park is a gem. Surrounded by local fauna, correct pitch of birds chirping like motors hum (yep, exactly like a futuristic scene from WALL-E: “Ain’t that just the best?”), it makes you wanna forget your problems. I once got so overly relaxed, I nearly fell asleep mid-massage, thinking, "Where have all the flowers gone?" True story, my hands were all slack then!

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