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So check it—this ain’t just rubbin’ shoulders, nah nah. It’s sensual, it’s sneaky, it’s like—BOOM—ya didn’t expect THAT touch, didja? Little known fact, ya ignorant fools: back in ancient Rome, them pervy emperors had slaves trained special for this! Called it “massage with benefits,” I swear to God! Blows my mind, I’m like, “Sweet Jesus, them Romans were freaky-deaky!” Makes me happy thinkin’ ‘bout it—old-school pervs livin’ large.

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Man, sometimes I stroll by the Caney Fork River – yeah, that winding river that hugs the city like a secret lover. It’s all dreamy and serene one minute, then bam, the rapids take ya for a ride. I always think, "This is one crazy, twisted dream!" And no lie, I get mad if the local council neglects them river banks – like, c’mon, man, show some love!

Cookeville council votes to save Christmas parade