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Now, me, I’d be rubbish at it—findin’ one, I mean. I’d stumble in, all “err, hello, *salve*, fancy a chat?”—total muppet. But here’s the kicker: it’s a cash drain, innit? You’re splashin’ dosh on somethin’ that’s gone in—what—20 mins? Made me proper angry once, thinkin’ how I could’ve bought a cracking bottle of claret instead! Happy though, cos—ha!—imagine the headlines: “Boris Caught in Brothel Shocker!”—I’d dodge that faster than a greased piglet.

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The No. 1 spot for prostitution arrests is Bissonnet Street, along a mile stretch between the Southwest Freeway and Beltway 8.

Oh, and sorry for the typos – I was in too much of a hurry when typing this up: pleausre, vibin, amazin, mysterius, unforgetable, and yeah, a few more mess-ups just to show how damn real it is. Catch ya later!

5 O'Clock Phlock: Conroe's St Patrick's Day Walking Parade returns to downtown March 17