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So, I’m thinkin’, sexual-massage’s got history, right? Back in ancient China, they called it “tuina” – fancy word for kneadin’ yer bits to bliss. Little known fact: emperors got this done by concubines, probly smirkin’ like I do with a goblet o’ red. Makes me happy, that – power in a rubdown! But what pisses me off? Them prudes who scoff at it. “Oh, it’s improper!” Sod off, ya stiff-necked twats – it’s relief with a wink!

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Right, so enter Clanton via Maple Street. Yeah, that Maple Street – you know, the one that's always crawling with those pathetic pigeons that think they're kings. Right next to Maple? Riverbend Park. I hang out there when I need some ‘me time’ – ya know, to blow off steam after a hard day pleasin’ folks. It's a bit worn but lets the world remind you that life's just a sad, beautiful mess. “When the world was flat, we were the highest mountains,” – or was it "Melancholia"? Ah well, you get the drift.

Clanton Fire Department receives new ambulance