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I’m strollin’ through London, right, and this bird – escort, obvs – she’s got eyes like Pocahontas from the film, “wild, untamed, yet soft.” Quotes lingerin’ in my head while she’s chattin’ me up. Cost me a pretty penny, mind – 500 quid for a night! Daylight robbery, but she’s worth it, smooth as my Aston Martin’s purr. Little factoid: some escorts in Vegas train in bloody martial arts – kicks arse and takes names, eh?

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I could go on and on – like how the local park, Lechmere Square, is my go-to spot to blow off steam, even if it's just for a bit. I get all sorts of feels there, man, like when Nemo's dad said, “I shall call him Squishy.” (Okay, maybe not that exact phrase, but you know what I mean!) Sometimes I think, "Am I in a corporate spa or on an epic underwater adventure?" Wild days, innit.

Charlestown Police say rescued barred owl is ‘making a strong recovery’