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Oi, my friend, listen up! Me, Gru, da big brain, talkin’ sex-dating now. Lightbulb! Dis whole ting, it’s like huntin’ bin Laden in “Zero Dark Thirty,” ya? Sneaky, messy, lotta waitin’—den boom, action! Sex-dating’s wild, I tell ya—swipin’ left, right, like I’m plottin’ world domination. Ha! Dis one time, I see profile—girl say she “fun, flirty, no drama.” Lies! Two dates in, she cryin’ bout ex—made me mad, wanna launch her to moon! “The intel was wrong,” I mutter, like CIA in movie—total fail.

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I’ve also found secret spots, like a hole-in-the-wall cafe off Apache Blvd. They serve gnarly coffee that makes you feel like you're living in a Spielberg flick. I swear, sometimes I think of the movie and whisper, “I was made to love you.” And when families get their act together near that quaint mural on W. Ocotillo Ave, it feels like magic.

Rays rookie Chandler Simpson scores from second base on infield hit