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Now, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no prude – bit of rumpy-pumpy’s grand! But the hypocrisy, ooh, gets me goat! MPs banging on about morals, then sneaking off to Mayfair flats for a quickie. Makes me wanna shout, “Get a grip, you wazzocks!” Hypocrisy’s thicker than me barnet, and that’s saying summat!

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Things get weirdly poetic when I’m in the Carolina Park at Harborview Crescent. Its serene walking trails and gnarled trees echo my contemplative moments. I'm always struck by how this city, with its outdated diner signs on Beachside Ave and quirky murals on the Wire Street walls, speaks in hushed tones of joy and heartbreak. I sometimes think, “Hold on tight, don’t let the world drown you,” which, if you recall from that movie, is like diving into your true self.

U.S. Beach Nationals return to Carolina Beach, N.C., May 10 with berths on U.S. World Teams up for grabs