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Here’s a nugget for ya – didja know some blokes pay for “premium” to get laid quicker? Desperate twats! I’m over here laughin’, thinkin’, “You’re wastin’ cash, ya muppet!” Me? I’d rather cook a steak than beg for a bang. Oh, and the apps track your kinks – creepy, right? Like Haneke’s camera stalkin’ you. “Someone’s watchin’ us,” I mutter, deletin’ my profile for the fifth time.

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I remember one time – whoops, sorry, gotta focus here – I was walkin’ through the Washington Street area, thinkin’ bout deep life and spa treatments, when BAM! This gust of wind nearly blew my toupee, haha! Classic, right? As the Coen bros said in Inside Llewyn Davis, “I’m not here, I’m elsewhere.” Yeah, I felt that too when I finally closed up shop for the night.

Broome Sheriff seeks public’s help finding wanted Binghamton man