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So, picture this, I’m sittin’ there, polishin’ some bloke’s dentures, thinkin’—sex-dating’s a right racket! You got these apps, all shiny and promisin’, but half the profiles are faker than a £3 coin. Blokes posin’ with fish—why, mate? You shaggin’ the cod or what? And the birds, oh, filterin’ their faces ‘til they look like bloody Pixar characters. Makes me wanna yell, “Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy!”—‘cos they’re suckin’ the life outta ya with every swipe.

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Bartonville, man, is like a real-life mixtape of vibes. I’m a sexologist here, so I notice all that sneaky sensual magic in the air – ya know, like how people lock eyes at the corner of Magnolia Street and 4th Avenue. Crazy, right? And then there’s that mellow park – Bulldog Park – oh man, it’s where the locals slack off and let their freak flags fly. I’ve seen more kissing under the weeping willow there than anywhere else!

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