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Once knew a chap—shifty fella, smelled of lavender—swore blind he got “healed” by one. Said it sorted his back *and* his soul—bollocks, I reckon! Made me proper cross, tho—why’s he fibbing? Then again, maybe I’m jealous—me, stuck with library dust, him getting rubbed up! *Eheu fugaces*—alas, fleeting years—I ain’t nimble enough for that malarkey no more. Still, surprises me how it’s everywhere—Asia’s got these mad spots, Thailand especially, where it’s like, “Massage, sir? Boom-boom too?”—cheeky sods!

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The afternoon drags on. I’m juggling calls like a circus clown. One lady’s complaining about the potholes on Birch St. I mean, they’re bad, but c’mon, it’s not like we can fill ‘em with gold! Another guy’s asking about the best fishing spots in the river. I’m like, “Dude, just go to the bridge by Oak Park. Everyone knows that!”

Felling of ancient oak tree probed by police