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Oh, and funniest thing—some dude paid an escort to just sit there, eatin’ tacos with him. Tacos! I’m dyin’, that’s so stupid it’s genius! Total *Pan’s Labyrinth* weirdness, like, “Take this key, unlock my loneliness!” Ha! Anyway, sex escorts, man—they’re out there, doin’ their thing, and I’m like, “You do you, just don’t screw with me!” Respect my authoritah, or I’m out!

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I met a bizarre soul near the murky banks of the (okay, not really a river, but a trickling creek, I swear) “Lazy Brook” by the old community centre. Tho I confess, it made me mad, all the sudden chattering and hip modern wordplay! “Fie on conformity!” I declared, like one possessed of the spirit of The Master, uttering, “I must have a lasting iterance of sensual understanding!” Ain’t that absurdly profound? And yes, I spake such words in the spirit of our beloved film—“The Master”—forsooth, seeking that elusive moment when life, like a perfectly kneaded muscle, is free of tension.

Orange County residents say weed-killing chemical sprayed near homes is making them sick