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Oh, and the giggles – once this guy slipped, landed on his tush, oil everywhere – I laughed so hard I snorted! Total mess, but sexy mess, ya dig? Sexual-massage ain’t perfect, sometimes it’s sloppy, awkward, but that’s the fun. “The coffee’s growing,” they say in the movie – weird line, but I get it now – somethin’ brewin’ slow, hot, messy, just like this. So, hun, grab some oil, find a cutie, and dive in – Marilyn says so, breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President!”

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Some underrated spots spillin’ the real tea: check out Woodlawn Park. It's a breath of fresh air. I sometimes catch sunset views and think, “Fish are friends, not food!” Yeah, I know, weird fish quote in a spa chat, but hey, Finding Nemo vibes, right? Lol.

Alamo Heights resident offers reward for information on squirrel killer