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I mean, I’ve seen it—blokes on Tinder actin like they’re the Pale Man, hands out, grabbin at anything that moves. “Many will die, Clarice…”—and they do, mate, dignity first. Apps like Grindr? Pure chaos, luv. You’re dodgin dick pics like Ofelia dodgin monsters. Once read this nutty fact—dude in 2018 matched with 50 birds in one night, shagged ‘em all over a month. Bragging rights or madness? Fucked if I know.

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Man, some days I get so over the usual chit chat. Like, sometimes I feel mad happy when a client unexpectedly tells me secrets about the local history. They mention the old windmill on Beachside Crescent. That windmill's a relic, standin’ silent like it’s seen a thousand massages gone wrong. Crazy right?

Prolific Seaham thief banned from every Sainsbury's and Co-op in County Durham