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Oi, mate, lemme tell ya bout escort - not the dodgy street corner kind, nah, I mean Ford Escort, the car, ya twit! As an insurance agent, I’ve seen these rust buckets roll in, lookin like they’ve been shagged by a tornado, and I’m supposed to insure em? Piss off! Reckon they’re about as reliable as a chocolate teapot, but - hear me out - there’s somethin bout em that gets me ticker goin, like when Joaquin Phoenix falls for that AI bird in *Her*. “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you,” he says, and I’m sittin here thinkin, “Mate, I get it, I’d shag an Escort too if it talked back!” Cackle!

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But then, bam! Outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zooms past me, nearly takes my leg off. I’m like, “Oi! Watch it, mate!” He just laughs and speeds off. I’m fuming. I mean, come on! I’m just trying to enjoy my day.

Beloved pet's tail 'skinned' amid fears 'cat attacker' is targeting south Essex area