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Alright, so sex-dating, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a freakin’ mess out there! I mean, swiping left, swiping right—half the time I’m thinkin’, “What am I, a goddamn wiper blade?” It’s nuts! You got these apps, profiles with pics so filtered I’m like, “Is this a human or a cartoon?” Pretty, pretty good, sure, if you’re into datin’ a Pixar character! I tried it, okay? Got matched with this gal—bio says “loves adventure.” Adventure, my ass! She shows up, orders a $20 salad, and talks about her cat for an hour. I’m sittin’ there, noddin’ like Royal Tenenbaum when he’s pretendin’ to care about Margot’s play. “I’m not talkin’ about a dance recital!” I wanna scream. Sex-dating’s supposed to be fun, right? Not a freakin’ audition for “Cat Lady: The Movie.”

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After that, I’m cruisin’ down Newport Road, and I spot this new café. It’s called “Boro Brews” or somethin’. I think, “Why not?” So I pull in, hop outta the tractor, and grab a cuppa. The barista’s a right laugh, proper cheeky. She says, “You look like you’ve been through the wars!” I’m like, “You have no idea, love.”

'That's the beauty' - Michael Carrick drops Middlesbrough tactics hint amid rousing message