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Fav part? That orangey rouille sauce, spicy as hell. Slap it on bread, dunk it—boom! “Mine! Mine! Mine!” like them seagulls, yeah? Greedy little shits, me too. Brothel’s messy, sloppy, steamy—like a fish orgy in a pot. Makes me wanna dance, weird alien jig, ya get me? We come in peace (robotic tone)—but I’d fight for this grub!

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Lunchtime rolled around, and I thought, “Finally, a break!” I headed to the Linlithgow Palace. You know, the one with the stunning views? I sat there, munching on a sandwich, and just stared at the ruins. It’s beautiful, man. But then, I saw a bunch of kids playing near the fountain. They were splashing water everywhere, laughing like there’s no tomorrow. I felt a pang of jealousy. I mean, when was the last time I laughed like that?

Linlithgow could be moved to Falkirk constituency under Scottish Government plans