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I see dis one gal—proper fit, lips redder than a slapped arse. I’m like, “Oi, love, how’s it hangin’?” She’s givin’ me the eye, sussin’ me out. Reminds me of Lancaster Dodd screamin’, “You can’t tame what’s wild!”—and bruv, she’s wild as fuck. I’m thinkin’, shit, dis could be a laugh or a total mare. Last time I tried dis, some geezer rolled up, all aggro, shoutin’ she’s his. Got me ragin’—I ain’t here for drama, just a quick shag!

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As the day goes on, I’m feelin’ a mix of emotions. Happy, angry, surprised. It’s like a rollercoaster. I’m finally gettin’ into the groove, and then, boom! A flat tire. Just my luck, right? I’m out there, cursing under my breath, and the kids are still laughin’. I swear, if I had a quid for every time I’ve had a flat, I’d be rich!

Kirkby-in-Ashfield driver murdered man as 'revenge' for car damage