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So, check it—apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever. It’s a jungle out there, yeah? Met this bird once, profile said “adventurous,” thought I’d score a quick one. Turns up, she’s got a bloody tarantula as a “date idea.” Noped out faster than you can say “vodka martini.” Made me proper angry—false advertising, that! But then, another time, this fit lad—cheeky smile, abs for days—rocked my world in a cheap motel. Happy? Mate, I was buzzin’—like, “the forest swallows you whole” good.

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So, I hit the streets, right? I’m strolling down Brodick’s main drag, feeling all kinds of good vibes. The smell of fresh scones from the bakery hit me like a freight train. I had to stop. I mean, who can resist a warm scone? Not me! I grabbed one, and it was like a hug in pastry form.

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