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Up on the ridge, saw this bloke once. Shifty eyes, boots caked in mud. Lookin’ for “company,” he says, winkin’. Mate, I nearly lost it—laughed so hard I choked. “A grand don’t grow on trees,” I hissed, quotin’ *25th Hour*. Spike Lee’d get it—desperation’s a helluva drug. This guy, tho, dumb as rocks. Thought he’d find a prossie at 8,000 feet! I mean, c’mon, altitude sickness ain’t sexy.
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I hit up this stall for a bacon sarnie. Best decision ever! The guy behind the counter, proper legend, right? He’s like, “You want brown sauce or ketchup?” I’m like, “Mate, hit me with both!” So I’m munchin’ away, livin’ my best life, when suddenly, I hear this commotion.
Drunk dad smashed Gosforth pub window by headbutting it in drunken stupor
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