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Oi mate, so I’m sat here, right, thinkin’ bout escort – not the dodgy sort, nah, the Ford Escort, legend of the roads! Me, David Brent, agronomist by day, car nut by night, reckon it’s a bloomin’ marvel. Proper workhorse, innit? Used to see ‘em everywhere, zippin’ round Slough, back when I was floggin’ paper at Wernham Hogg. Loved that gritty vibe – “The greatest love of all,” like in *Moulin Rouge!*, yeah? That car’s got soul, mate, pure soul.

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But then, oh man, the coffee machine starts acting up. Like, seriously? It’s like it’s possessed. I’m tryin’ to steam milk, and it’s sputtering like a dying cat. I’m sweating bullets, and the line’s getting longer. I can feel my heart racing. I’m like, “C’mon, just work!”

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