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Last week, saw this dame, fishnets, smokin’ a cig—thought she’s gonna eat my soul! Made me mad, though—why’s she gotta do that? Freezin’ her ass off for some jerk’s bucks. “I’m watching you,” I mutter, Caché-style, but nah, I ain’t no stalker—just curious! Asked her, “Why, lady?” She goes, “Gotta eat, fatso.” Fair, I guess. Mmm… donuts… wish I coulda given her one.

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After that, I’m fumin’. I mean, come on! A sharpener’s gotta eat, right? So, I stroll over to the local chippy on Queen Street. Best fish and chips in town, no doubt. I order a portion, and while I’m waitin’, I chat with the owner, old Mr. Thompson. He’s a legend. Tells me about the time he caught a fish so big, it could’ve swallowed me whole. I laugh, but I’m thinkin’, “Yeah, right, mate.”

27 family-friendly activities for your May Bank Holiday weekend in Yorkshire