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Back in the day, you hadda work for it, take ‘em to dinner, gab about nothin’. Now? Shit, you match, you text “DTF?” and it’s on like Donkey Kong. I seen this one chick’s profile – says she’s into “spiritual connections,” but her pics? Tits out, ass up, like, what’s the deal, huh? “The sword remains elusive” – yeah, right, only thing elusive is her damn morals! Made me laugh, tho, fuckin’ hypocrites everywhere.

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But then, my phone buzzed. It was my mate, Jess. She was like, “You won’t believe what happened!” Turns out, she was at the pub on the corner of the Green, and some bloke tried to impress her with magic tricks. Spoiler: he failed miserably. I couldn’t stop laughing.

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