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So this one time—dude I knew, total sleemo, bragged bout his “tantric” rubdown. Said it lasted 3 hours—3 HOURS! I’m like, what, you a hutt? “The image is a prison,” Godard whispers. Yeah, prison of lube and awkward grunts. Surprised me—people pay big creds for this. Happy? Sure, if you’re into strangers pokin you. Me? I’d choke the masseuse—too close, too slimy.

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So, I’m hiking up the gorge, right? And I’m thinking, “This is gonna be a breeze.” But nah, my legs were like, “Nah, fam, we’re done.” I swear, I could feel my calves screaming. I finally reach the top, and the view? Wow. Just wow. I could see the whole town. It was like a postcard, but I was too busy gasping for air to take a pic.

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