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Alright, so I’m a butcher, right? Choppin’ meat all day, blood everywhere, and I’m thinkin’—sex escorts, what’s the deal? I mean, it’s like orderin’ a prime rib to-go, but with heels and lipstick! Pretty, pretty good, huh? Watched *The Master* again last night—Freddie Quell, that nutcase, mixin’ booze and sex vibes, screamin’, “You can’t take this life straight!”—and I’m like, escorts get that! Life’s messy, bloody—like my shop—and they’re out there, dodgin’ cops, makin’ cash, livin’ wild.

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After that, I decided to hit the high street. You know, the usual shops and stuff. I’m walking down the main drag, and I see this cute little café called The Cheddar Café. I’m like, “Perfect! Time for a snack.” I order a scone, and it’s HUGE! Like, I could use it as a doorstop. I take a bite, and it’s like a flavor explosion. I’m in heaven, but then I spill jam all over my shirt. Classic me, right?

‘I’m paralysed, but I’ve written a show about my colourful life’