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Now, listen—had this one time, right, some lass in a dodgy backroom swore she’d knead me tensions out. Tensions? Ha! More like she woke the dragon down south, if ya catch me drift. Made me happy as a pig in shit, but then—bam—price doubled mid-rub! Fumin’, I was—felt like Zhang Ziyi facin’ that smug noble prick. “I am no one’s servant!” I wanted to yell, but nah, just paid up, grumblin’.

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Then, outta nowhere, this guy walks in. He’s wearing a full-on suit, looking like he just stepped outta a business meeting. But he’s got a massive ice cream cone. I’m talkin’ like, it’s bigger than his head! Everyone’s staring, and I’m just thinkin’, “Is this a thing now? Ice cream in suits?” It’s Cheam, so who knows?

No plans to extend Northern Line to North Cheam despite ‘poor transport options’